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Everyday you pick up a newspaper, turn on your television, radio or computer and learn about another bullying incident. No words can describe the shock and horror we felt when the Megan Meier story was revealed. Lori Drew, a mother and neighbor of Megan created a fictitious male profile. She befriended and later taunted Megan Meier, who killed herself. We can view girls beating up a fellow student on You Tube. The computer provided the venue for the world to watch a child commit suicide. No one acted to save him or a boy from Massachusetts that hung himself because he was being called “gay”. Has the world gone “mad”? What’s going on?

Legislation has not kept up with technology. Lorrie Drew could not be charged with any crime relating to the untimely death of Megan Meier. Yet, children are being prosecuted for distribution of child pornography and are having to register as sex offenders for “sexting.” So you ask yourself, what can I do about bullying? It has gone on since the beginning of time. Well, times have changed. No longer can parents count on the telltale physical signs of bullying as a window into their children’s lives. It has been replaced by relentless, non stop on line bashing 7 days a week, 24 hours a day.

Why should parents get involved? Because bullying is the number one reason for teenage suicide and cyber bullying is at an all time high. Bullying is not considered a “normal” stage of child development. It is cruel and unnecessary behavior causing over 160,000 children to miss school each day. The effects of bullying can last a lifetime. We know, those that bully are four times more likely to have at least one criminal conviction by age 24. (Center for the Study and Prevention of Violence survey 2007).

Sooner or later your child will be challenged academically, physically, or socially. The “kids will be kids” philosophy is an easy cop out until it happens to your child. Sometimes the parents of a bullied child feel more victimized and helpless than their child and behave far worse than any child out of frustration.

Parents ask, what can I do, I’m only one person? Many believe it is the school’s responsibility to stop bullying and make everyone safe. Educators feel constrained by time and money. They are under tremendous pressure to raise test scores, make everyone proficient and of course “leave no child behind”.

The school day isn’t long enough to cram everything in that must be done and should be done. The school adds bullying to their character education curriculum or has an assembly. Parents read articles like this one, tell their kids to fight back, change schools, even move, none of which work. We are producing proficient bullies, gang members and Wall Street criminals. “Something” must be done. Research states if parents spend 15 minutes a day discussing bullying prevention 2007)

That “something” is for everyone to do their part. Eliminating bullying is the job of everyone. Schools cannot do it alone. Parents, students, schools, communities and legislators must work together. It is effective collaborations among all parties and taking personal responsibility that will make the difference. It is interesting to note that whenever we ask a group of children who is responsible for your safety, we receive the same variety of answers, (teachers, security guards, the school, parents, principal, the police) No one ever says “me”.

We must change our focus from making academics and sports a priority to making social and emotional needs the priority. It has been shown that social and emotional learning can improve academic achievement and reduce the likelihood of high risk behaviors. A child can’t concentrate or learn if he doesn’t feel safe or is worried about being bullied during lunch, after school or in the bathroom.

Are you doing enough? Is your school doing everything it can do? How effective are the efforts presently in place? There is a way to answer these questions accurately. In fact, there is a blueprint for success in eliminating bulllying and it’s not a secret. It is a process. Here is how it works.

The only way to know present efforts are making an impact is to measure. Before you begin, students, teachers, parents, administrators even community members should be surveyed to measure attitudes, behavior and climate. Periodic surveying should be done to measure change.

I guarantee perceptions will vary in your initial survey. A principle might perceive his building as very welcoming yet parents may feel intimidated. Students will differ on how to report a problem or incident in school or who to go to for help.

Once the assessment is completed form a committee or social action team in your school or district. Make the social and emotional needs of students a priority. Choose an area of focus and get to work. This is an over simplification of the process which must include training for everyone. If a child comes to an adult and it is not handled appropriately, it is likely the child will take matters into his own hands and the problem will escalate or the child will shut down. It is imperative a child’s confidentiality be respected. Forced apologies don’t work. Bullying is a cousin to domestic violence. Bringing the bully and victim together could make the situation worse. Encourage your school to offer training to parents, teachers, security guards, lunch aides and anyone who has contact with your children…

Talk to your child. Ask who they sit with at lunch. Have they ever been picked on or seen someone else bullied? Ask open ended questions. Help your children develop empathy. Ask how they feel when someone is left out. Ask how they would feel if they were left out. If your child is being bullied he needs to know it is not his fault! Ask your child how he would like you to handle it. Always try to work with the school administration to solve the problem. It might be as simple as increased supervision at lunch time. Do you know your school’s protocol and consequences for bullying? Document the problem and ask the school to document and track all incidents.

Children are our greatest resource. Give them a voice. They need to be valued. Don’t leave them out in the process of finding solutions. They know better than anyone else what’s going on, what’s needed and what will work. Engage them. Make them leaders and decision makers. The PTA is much more than bake sales and fundraising. Your school has many talented and educated parents. Use them for more than cutting out snowflakes and baking cookies. You will be surprised how willing they are to share their knowledge and abilities in a constructive way.

We need to encourage our legislators to make it manditory that the social and emotional needs of children are incorporated in the curriculum. Legislation that recognizes cyber crimes must be put in place.
Communities play an invaluable role! Use your community agencies and businesses as a resource. Many can offer direct help and educational programs to your school. Act as a sponsor for worthwhile programs or serve as a site for a service learning or mentoring project.

Last but not least, early intervention is key. Relational aggression begins as early as three years old with children saying “I won’t be your friend if”… or “you can’t come to my birthday party.” If we intervene early, capture and educate parents, we will initiate a a social change where the next generation grows up socially conscious and responsible as well as environmentally aware.

If you thought you couldn’t make a difference, now we hope you realize – You Can!

Carol Blank
Utterly Global, LLC is a company dedicated to eliminating bullying through, training and programs that make children caring, confident and competent.